why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.