legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
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when you are just born a rebel
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
spot the difference
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.