6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A bold strategy
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Yup
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda