Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
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[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.