*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I love you…
…r dog.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”