i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
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how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens