Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”