Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda