Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
You Might Also Like
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The struggle is real
The French word for sex is croissant.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.