I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You Might Also Like
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell