I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
my mind
You just read my mind
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.