My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.