excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.