I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”