[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
U talkin 2 me?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My current situation
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Snapes on a plane.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.