Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.