If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.