Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Received some very disappointing news today
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*