am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.