A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
just witnessed a drug deal
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?