You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Canada has crack?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Hmm, not sure about this change
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning