You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.