If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
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My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
j o i m p
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me