My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are