Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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#inspiration #foodforthought
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”