@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but thatβs not my rule to enforce
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Me:
Pale people: Iβm so white that Iβm translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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Me: You know what I donβt get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I donβt get?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Me: I have a new water bottle! Iβm gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: α΄ΚΚ α΄κ° α΄Κ ΚΙͺκ°α΄ Ιͺκ± α΄α΄α΄
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so itβs come to this
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.