If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
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Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.