M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
My first son he is wonderful
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Penguins walking in 5x speed
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.