history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
The first one, obviously
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually