Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.