*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I have a type: disappointing
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.