the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
You Might Also Like
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.