*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Beauty and the Beast
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children