My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?