2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
God has left this place
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.