Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda