So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
BETRAYAL
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Jesus Christ lmao
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish