cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
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doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
New mindset, who dis?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me irl
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?