I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
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“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Every haunted house movie:
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I feel seen.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.