Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple