*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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How about daylight saves us for once
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.