[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?