[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Hell yeah 👍
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Nothing to do, you say?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]