[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
You Might Also Like
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
HELP 😭
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.