As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*