Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Morning my dudes.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?