2022 be like
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Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.