ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!