I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.