Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
You Might Also Like
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.